4

Driving Miss Daisy Too Long

Tuesday of week two was a travel day. Loads of miles between our campsite in Cornwall and our destination site in Dorset just outside Dorchester.

Now on the long motorway miles we like to amuse ourselves by either playing Camperaderie or listening to old eighties tunes on the radio. Sadly it is pre-season and camper vans are in short supply on the roads just now so you can’t get your score above two or three before you get distracted and start talking about something else.

And our little USB pen drive containing hours and hours of the very best music of the eighties will not recognize the little slot in Daisy’s radio. So Ken Bruce helped a bit but much of the time was silently watching the temperature gauge and getting tense about other drivers.

Now there is amusement in getting tense about other drivers if you come at it from the right angle.

Warning – the following few paragraphs may offend – depending on what car you drive.

To start with I like to suspend reality a bit and imagine myself, my dear wife and my treasured Daisy to be alter-egos.

The Scooby Doo gang fits very well as there are so many villains on the road and we are the only innocent people with top notch driving skills. I am sure you are too.

Daisy is the Mystery Machine, obviously. Our two selves are Fred and Daphne (or Shaggy and Velma depending on how you see us). We could also be Fred and Velma or Shaggy and Daphne – and I am up for opinions if you care to chip in.

fred

My good self and female companion

shaggy

Alternative personae which we do not identify with

No-one is Scooby because he’s at home being looked after by Sabrina the Teenage Witch (all grown up – not).

Now the villains of our story are other drivers. We first look at their crime, work through the clues and then pull off their masks to reveal their true identities.

Villain 1

This fellow is coming up behind me in a supermarket car park. I see a parking spot in the right and move the Mystery Machine over to the right, preparing to swing left in preparation for a reverse park.

Suddenly I hear the roar of two oversized exhaust pipes and the dastardly fellow rips past on my inside causing me to swerve back to the right. I honk the horn and he and his mate are seen laughing at their incredible feat of speed in their Ford Fiesta with blacked out windows.

The two oversized exhaust pipes are clearly indications of sexual inadequacy and he will no doubt turn to surgery in later years and become villain 3 (below).

The Clues

An inability to understand the rules of the road regarding undertaking – suggesting a younger generation of driver.

The presence of a laughing friend in the car to offer endorsement of the villain’s crime.

The blacked out windows so no young teenage girl can see that they are overweight, quite ugly and far too old to get into a car with.

The Reveal

Yes, it’s Terry the Twenty-Something, apprentice mechanic and boy racer.

boy-racer

Typical boy racer

Villain 2

On the motorway we come up behind a Dacia Duster travelling at roughly 58 miles per hour. The Mystery Machine is running quite nicely at the moment and this is not quite fast enough for her. Daphne is impressed by my skillful driving and I am keen to show her just what this machine can do. I pull out for the over take.

I kick the speed up to 62 mph and start gaining on the Dacia.

I suddenly seem to be struggling. But wait! The speedometer reads 62 mph.

I give it some more and start gaining again.

Hold on! Again we are struggling. The speedometer reads 65 mph and still no progress.

What on earth is happening?

I put it to the floor and we are neck and neck with the Dacia at 68 mph for ten seconds until finally, with an extra injection of power, we pass it at 70 mph.

The Dacia then drops back and I can hear an evil laugh in the air amongst the roar of the tyres.

The Clues

It’s a Dacia Duster.

The Reveal

Yes of course. It’s Mr. Fifty-Something-Best-I-can-Afford.  This cad does not like to be passed by an old camper van one little bit and suffers an inferiority complex about his car. He has previous convictions for leaving a ridiculous gap in a queue of traffic despite the possibility that someone behind him might need to take a junction in that gap, and for hugging the middle lane on the motorway.

00001duster_mag_10_06_rt

Typical Dacia driver

Villain 3

We are on the dual carriageway tootling along at a gently 55 mph. There is hardly a car in sight either in front or behind.

Suddenly a back Audi is on my tail. It just appeared out of no-where and is sitting less than three millimeters from my rear bumper – presumably riding the slipstream. There’s no reason for it being there, the road was clear to overtake.

It pulls out to make the overtake, leaps forward and then pulls in directly in front of me approximately three millimeters from my front bumper. I am able to read the name of the garage who supplied the number plate.

Suddenly the Audi accelerates and it is in the far distance before I can blink.

Daphne gasps with an excitement I will never be able to bring to her. My eyes drop in sadness – a little ashamed of my portly old van.

The Clues

It’s an Audi

The Reveal

It’s that old villain Dr. Must-be-a-Lawyer-or-Salesman-or-Other-Self-Centred-Dick-Head. He cannot resist the temptation to show off the back of his better-than-mid-priced luxury car to the female in every car he passes. He builds up the tension by hugging the back of his prey, unsettling the driver so he isn’t sure what to do. He then springs forward and shows off his tail feathers to the female sitting unsuspectingly behind.

audi

Typical Audi driver

There were other villains of course, and they would all have got away with it if it wasn’t for us pesky kids!

Now saying all that, our journey went well enough right through to Exeter where we stopped off for a few hours.

Exeter turns out to be a lovely place with loads of interesting history. We looked in at the Cathedral and looked back out again when we saw it would cost us twenty quid to enter. We then rattled round the charity shops and decided to visit the Medieval Tunnels Exhibition.

IMG_1690

What strange creatures lurk in Exeter’s sewers.

This was great fun for six quid each. The tunnels were built in the 14th century to hold the water pipes for the Cathedral (yes only the religious people got fresh water). The tour takes you right under the city inside the narrow tunnels and you really do feel like an adventurer for a few minutes. You even get your knees dirty if you want, as the tunnels are less than a metre high at one point.

Exeter has lots more to offer than we had a chance to see. Lovely looking restaurants and olde worlde pubs. We had to keep on the road though.

 

A mistake we made was popping into Honiton on the basis that the internet said it was the antique capital of the South. It should have said it is the antique of the South. It’s better named Horroton.

The antique shops were all closed, despite declaring they were open. And all the other shops, allegedly modern retailers, had more dust on the stock than the antique shops did.

It seems no one buys anything in Honiton. I reckon the antique shops are just the modern shops of some bygone time that have transitioned into antique shops. They start as ‘The Latest Gadgets Sold Here’ to ‘Last Year’s Stock to Go’ to ‘Memorabilia’ to ‘Antiques’.

If you open a shop in Honiton you will need a three hundred year lease in order to clear your first stock.

After that we endured one of the worst traffic diversions we have ever suffered in Daisy.

Now driving Daisy is not a one man (or woman) affair. It’s requires the skills and knowledge of two, the cooperation of the vehicle and the love of God to boot. Her gearing system, for example, is variable depending on the atmospheric conditions and luck. To ensure a successful journey the engine must remain cool enough to not burst a pipe, but warm enough to maintain good engine compression. Road conditions play a huge part and therefore a navigator’s skill is essential. Sybil, our satnav has been made completely redundant and the more finely tuned skills of my dear wife have taken over. She drives Daisy too you see – only from the passenger seat.

When a diversion takes you through every small town in Dorset and its neighbouring shires, the constant stopping and starting plays havoc with Daisy. The gears start to change like the starways at Hogwarts and you have to be agile to ensure you can keep on the right track. The fan kicks in every few minutes and the coolant begins to boil. She needs to be rested every so often and our own temperatures begin to rise.

Nonetheless we made it into Dorchester a little late and suffered the attitude and arrogance of a camp site manager who felt it beneath him to come out of his office an hour later than anticipated to check us in. I noted his Audi parked out back.

But checked in we were, next to the toilets with a view of the waste sluice.

It’s only one night.

We ate well this day. A light lunch with cream tea in Exeter at Shauls Bakery and dinner at the Junction Pub in Dorchester. Fine fare and we liked that it was the second pub with the same name this trip.

 

Wednesday was another long travel day. It’s heading home time so this is how it will be from now on.  We stopped at Bere Regis though because it has a funny name and because there’s a large reclamation yard with loads of stuff you don’t really need but can’t help wanting anyway.

We didn’t need two stone Griffins for the garden and a dragon shaped gargoyle thing that will become the top of a bird table. The dragon will either provide our little feathered friends with protection from our large ginger Tom cat or scare the living daylights out of them. Either way we will enjoy seeing it in the garden.

IMG_1705

This way to throw away good money on old stuff you don’t need

I do love a good haggle so we knocked forty quid off the ticket prices and felt good about our achievements before setting off, five stone heavier, for Hereford.

Because of navigation errors for which only one person can be blamed – me – we took most of the day to reach Hereford. But we chanced upon a great little roadside café called the Den outside Shepton Mallet where we had a late breakfast/early lunch.

IMG_1710

We knew the name but could not put our finger on why we knew it until we came through the town. Shepton Mallet is not, as my wife mischievously suggested, where they make big hammers – it is the home of Somerset Cider and the closest town to Glastonbury Festival were some it is drunk.

We then searched in vain for North and found it by heading South first, turning back and then going in the opposite direction.  It’s actually a failsafe method of finding North and only adds a few miles on the motorway that you could do without.

Anyway we got to Hereford at the back of three and decided to check in at the campsite first before making out way into the city. We weren’t going to get the sights of Hereford now and I only really came here for one thing anyway.

The cows.

Or rather, the Beefy Boys burger restaurant.

We prepared our pitch, went for some light exercise to stretch the stomach, and took Daisy back out onto the open road.

We were lucky to get in to the Beefy Boys which is famous in the region for its exceptional burgers. And they ARE exceptional. Best I have had in the UK.

I had the classic Beefy Boy Burger and my lady companion had the Mexican Burger (it’s got chilli, guacamole and stuff in it).

IMG_1719

El Mexicano Burger

IMG_1718

El of a Burger

IMG_1716

El of a night on the lash?

With a single side of fries between us and two cokes it was a bargain at twenty four quid. A tenner less than Byron and a better burger.

Sadly you have to go to Hereford for it. And Hereford not really close to anywhere. It’s kind of to the right before you get to Bristol, another place you aren’t really likely to go to.

Our journey comes to a close in the next two days and I do not foresee much more than travelling with a short stopover in Kendal.  I plan to visit the Lomo kayak shop in Glasgow on the way back but there won’t be much of interest to you there.

So this will be my last entry before I start up again on the New Orleans trip in September.

Until then….

darla_s_camp_scare__chapter_8_by_perkygoth14-da1jiyn

Carry on Camping!

 

1

Surf and Turf

The last two days in North Cornwall have taken us over plenty turf (some old and some new) and we have really enjoyed watching the sea from the wonderful coastal path. It’s been a little windy and overcast, but it’s been warm and the landscape is quite dramatic in these conditions. My photos don’t do it justice.

We were determined to return to Portwenn again this year (Port Isaac if you don’t watch Doc Martin – you sad, sad individual…) and so we ignored the dreadful mist and hit the road early to get a little of the Doc’s medicine.

IMG_1636

The edge of Port Isaac from the spot where the Doc saved his aunt after a funny turn

IMG_1629

My paltry little Cornish Pasty with Doc’s house in the background.

We didn’t overstay our welcome in Portwenn. It was just a joy to be there again though.

We had an appointment to keep at another location we missed out on last time due to considerable amounts of overeating. This was not going to happen again so we walked out little socks off to build up an appetite and ate very little until we got to Padstow.

Padstow is known locally as Padstein because he has so many restaurants in the place. You can get everything from fast food a la Stein to high cuisine.

Rick Stein’s fish and chips were well worth the wait. It was an unusual restaurant experience – we arrived bang on opening time with a big queue outside. We then got in to the restaurant where everyone sits at bench tables (we sat in the window so we could hide our chips from passing chip-snatchers). Then the waiter took everyone’s order (everyone in the restaurant) before placing the check in the kitchen. Lucky it was fast food because I was getting twitchy waiting for the grub.

He doesn’t own this shop though.

IMG_1638

and it’s blooming marvellous.

 

These pictures really don’t do them justice. On the left toffee, popcorn cheesecake and on the right raspberry and coconut sandwich. We ate this AFTER the fish and chips. Dear God, we were stuffed. We could not walk any further so off to the pictures.

IMG_1645

The IMAX theatre at Chez Daisy.

Our campsite was near Newquay and so today we decided to walk off all our calories by taking the coastal path to the town and feast lightly.

IMG_1649

Surf along the coast

IMG_1652

A little cove with more surf and rocks and stuff

IMG_1656

My meagre Cornish Pasty for lunch

We had ice cream of course and watched surfer dudes and dudettes doing surfing stuff on the many beaches along the coast.

I loved Newquay. It’s a little tired looking in the town but the tacky amusement arcades and cheap bucket and spade vendors kind of fit the whole seaside holiday thing. The best of it is the many beaches and the caves at low tide. We were blessed to be there at just the right time.

Now you will remember (if you are an avid blog follower) that last year we had a bit of a lark at Durdle Door.  Try saying it and you will remember it.

Swedish Chef? The Muppets?

It appears that Newquay at low tides if thoroughly durdled with doors, and caves too! It’s a joy to muck about on the beach.

Join me for a durdle round this door…. (music added to keep your interest)….

And for your final delight I was overjoyed to capture a Red Kite hovering on the cliff-side yards from our path. I just managed to get the damn iphone to open up and record t catch it dropping on its prey. It’s a bit of a Where’s Wally image but I could not resist sharing it.

Sadly we leave Cornwall now but heading to Dorset for a night tomorrow and then its the long road home.

A final thought though. I wonder where you are on this.

As I have enjoyed the English countryside so much I was tempted this afternoon to make a purchase of a little English flag to pop into my backpack in support of the team in Russia (don’t all scream at once!).

My good lady almost collapsed on the ground in front of me, mortified at the very idea. In truth – the fact that I had even suggested it appeared to create an air of despair and horror in her entire demeanour. Our relationship, normally happy and loving, was suddenly cold and distant for a few moments.

What is this deep rooted fear of the English being successful?

Tonight I was reminded of why. Listening to the local radio the DJ commented on the ongoing match against Tunisia (1-1 as I write).

‘I guess there can’t be a single pub in the UK this evening that isn’t packed with football supporters.’

Those were his words.

No flag for me then….

 

1

Rock Climbing

Our travels were to take us next towards Devon where we booked in for three nights at the Lynton campsite on the North coast.

En route we decided to take a look at Stonehenge because we had never seen it and felt that most people, at least once in their lives, have to consider this mystery from close proximity. We set Daisy’s fridge to manual, removed the chocks and let the throttle bring her up to a nifty sixty five (only dropping to 40 on the hills or to annoy the hell out of the locals).

The good news about Stonehenge is that it costs £20 a head to get in!

Yes, you guessed it. English Heritage allows Historic Scotland renewal members to get in for free.

IMG_1530

Particularly smug bastards

Now we spent over £20 on two scoops of mush called Stone Hot Pot for lunch so it wasn’t that big a saving. We also had a rock cake that looked like it had been baked by Neolithic man.

IMG_1522

Stonehenge is an enigma apparently. No-one can fathom why it was built.

I can.

More of that later.

When we arrived we noticed there was a small gathering of travellers encamped nearby and two police vans protecting the commercial opportunities this national treasure offers its entrepreneurial owners from them.

Why?

Well next Thursday is summer solstice and that is the very best time to sacrifice your youngest daughter, her pet lamb and six chickens from the farm down the road. It is also the case that the fertility of men is increased if they dance naked around the stones – and any child born thereafter will have the power to travel through time.

Or something like that.

I don’t think there’s any real mystery to it.

Imagine for a moment you are part of a thriving farming community in Neolithic times. You tend to your crops diligently and you protect yourself from the elements inside a lovely mud hut with an en suite cow shed.

The most important thing in the world to you is to know when to plant crops, when to harvest them and when to start storing up food for the long hard winter nights. You need a calendar.

Now scholars are not averse to the suggestion that Stonehenge (or any other henge for that matter) is a means of noting the time of the year. They are aligned with the longest and shortest days and, at any given time of the year, you could easily go along at sunrise or sunset and get a cracking good estimate of how long you have left before the weather is going to turn cold and you need to get the heating back on for the winter.

‘Ridiculous!’ they say. ‘What about the fact that it took 400 men 14 days to drag just one massive stone 130 miles from Wales? That can’t just be for a clock!’

Okay, so let’s rewind.

You need a henge for your community to tell the time of year for all the above reasons. The most obvious solution is to use trees or smaller rocks to build a circle that will indicate the seasons just as well as the massive monoliths we see today.

What happens?

Well the neighbouring tribes who wander by see some lovely trimmed wood or well selected stones that would do very well as construction materials for their new homes. To hell with the trouble of cutting down our own in the forest! Let’s just snaffle this lot!

And when the villagers challenge the culprits what do they say?

‘Don’t know what you’re on about, squire. Got these trees/stones from the forest myself. You can’t prove it.’

So how do you stop this happening?

Get really, really BIG stones! And ones from so far away that they cannot possibly be mistaken for local ones.

Tough one to deny now!

‘Where did you get that 24 ton, 30 foot high lump of rock you are using to hold up your washing line mate?’

IMG_1536.JPG

Non-portable calendar

 

Is it really so hard to imagine that Neolithic man would not be able to pull together 400 men for a few month to build something that won’t be stolen for the next 2500 years? When it is something so important?

Nowadays we are happy to take years to build a large civic facility. How many people does it take to build a new school?

How long is it taking to dual the A9?

We loved Stonehenge, but only at the price we paid. Not sure it was worth £20 to see.

We then headed to Lynton campsite arriving just around 5 p.m.

Being a particularly stunning location we decided to set up our windbreakers outside so we could sit and take in the view.

Unfortunately my wife forgot to pack the mallet.

‘Hold on!’ you cry. At least the women amongst you do.

Now this goes all the way back to Neolithic times too – and is no mystery! When a man marries a woman he enters into a sacred, mutually beneficial arrangement that cannot be broken and should never be misunderstood.

She gets protection from sabre toothed tigers and marauding Vikings and we never ever have to remember to take anything on a trip ever.

Fortunately the man camped next door showed sympathy and lent me his mallet – which his wife had dutifully packed.

Now Lynton village is not too far to walk – but the campsite is at the top of a hill (and a big hill at that) so it takes about half an hour to get there and the rest of the day to get back.

Now its funny how you can brim with confidence heading downhill early in the day – never giving a thought to the return journey. You don’t mind that the owners of a Christian retreat called Lee Abbey allow you to walk half a mile before telling you that you are not religious enough to use their path to the coast and make you turn back.

IMG_1567[1]

They say the meek shall inherit the earth! The sheep in their field must be praying for the day they can crap in their beds.

And we thought nothing of climbing Castle Rock to view the distant Welsh coast alongside the mountain goats of Devon.

IMG_1577.JPG

Our first day therefore was spent scaling hills and exploring this hilly little village and its neighbour Lynmouth which is accessed by a unique water powered cliff railway. Very exciting!

IMG_1583

The tracks of the Lynton and Lynmouth Railway

Now there is no attempt to be funny here. I love trains. It’s my saddest and most geekiest attribute. There is no electricity or fuel involved here. The two trains are counterbalanced so when one is heavier than the other it comes down while the other goes up. And in order to vary its weight it uses water from the river to fill the tanks of both trains. The bottom train now starts spilling out water making it lighter than the top one which then comes down. It is perfectly engineered and is quite a work of art.

You do worry about getting a burst though. I am sure it has brakes.

Now speaking of works of art, the cream tea at a little cafe called Charlie Fridays is the best we have enjoyed bar none. I have to say, passing the little cafe at the top of the railway, we saw an exceptional looking scone too but we had already demolished a dairy by the time we saw it.

IMG_1587

Dear Lord!

That was lunch – we couldn’t take any more. We shopped a bit and then made our way up the hill for the next three days and nights before taking on oxygen for the final push back to the campsite. Okay, maybe a slight exaggeration. We were home by the evening and fired up the BBQ for some dirty campsite burgers made with almost-out-of-date bargain mince from the local Londis and a side order of Doritos. Best burger of the holiday!

IMG_1591.JPG

Dirty burger from the campsite

For the next day we planned to take Daisy to the village of Clovelly which so many people have told us is enchanting and a must-see when in Devon. It’s a conservation area, privately owned and (you are not going to believe this) subject to admission fee!

Yes, it costs eight quid to walk into this village which has a single cobbled street winding down to the harbour and a tarmacadam one tucked away in some trees so you don’t know that he locals can get their cars down to the beach.

Now it is lovely!

IMG_1620

But not 16 quid worth of lovely.

And the ice cream at the harbour was not three fifty worth of anything,

IMG_1611

Oh dear!

So we went for a dip to make up for the disappointment.

IMG_1625

Actual live sketch of us heading into the sea by local Clovelly artist.

Now we also visited Ilfracombe today which is a large seaside town with some lovely views. The most intriguing thing I found here was a Damien Hirst statue at the harbour.

IMG_1602

On this side of the statue it is a pregnant woman standing on a pile of law books. She is called Verity.

On the side you cannot see it is the woman with her skin stripped off. I could not photograph it as the section of harbour was locked up. You can see a bit on the leg peeled back.

I think it is fascinating. The locals find it hideous apparently but it is anything but. It is revealing – the truth (Verity) is that we are all pretty hideous with our skin pulled back. We have to get used to that or change our perception of what looks beautiful.

What absolutely looks beautiful is my dinner from tonight.

IMG_1627

This was at the Exmoor Manor Hotel and Beggars Roost Restaurant. It was pricey by my standards but this belly of pork was marvellous. We had to walk four miles of hills there and back to get it though!

Tomorrow we head into Cornwall for a long awaited appointment with Rick Stein’s fish and chip shop.

1

Famous Places & Famous People

We travelled South to Oxford and decided to stop for the day in Stratford-Upon-Avon to prepare for the experience by getting some culture into our pleb minds – after all that salt-of-the-earth-nonsense we swallowed in that Liverpool.

welcome

Stratford, for those of you who skipped English at school, is the birthplace of William Shakespeare. That’s the poet no-one understands and everyone pretends to like.

 

It’s a pretty enough place – but it was obvious from the over-inflated prices that we were in tourist-ville. Three quid for a single scoop of ice cream that tasted 90% of ice, 10% of the last ice cream scooped and 0% of cream.

And to see inside Shakespeare’s house? To enjoy the privilege of seeing the writing desk of the man who tortured several billion school children over three or more centuries, you had to part with £20 of the money you earned doing a job that did not involve any requirement for you to say ‘verily I comeft from far lands to unblocketh thy loo’ or ‘I amft afraid, verily, that thy automobile needeth a new carburettor.’

You could say we ‘suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’.

Anyway we got our picture taken in front of the house instead.

IMG_1454

Can’t afford this one? Not so smuggeth now….

We then wandered along to the riverside in search of greater inspiration for our culture-hungry minds and were torn between exploring the Royal Shakespeare Theatre archives for his lesser known soliloquies or sitting on our arses in a boat for forty minutes.

IMG_1472

So it was a lovely boat ride up and down the Avon looking at houses we will never afford, healing our jealous dignity by assuming them to be drug-dealers or, worse, bankers.

We finished our day with a quick visit to the Holy Trinity Church where Shakespeare was interred along with his wife Anne Hathaway and some other relatives that did not star in The Devil Wears Prada.

Being inside a church you did not have to pay to get in – as long as you had the gall to walk past a very large church elder whose quiet voice and reverent smile belied the 20 inch forearms he bore, tattooed with the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse each drinking Guinness from the skull of a Scotsman.

If you couldn’t do that it cost £6.

IMG_1477

Totally inappropriate picture of someone’s last resting place.

So having seen the grave we skipped town just before our three hour parking ticket ran out and we headed to Oxford, brimming with culture and theatrical luvvie-ness.

Our campsite in Oxford was just a mile and a half from the city centre, which was great as we could walk in and not pay for any transport. It also allowed us to walk through the lower rent area of the city, where most of the houses had been given over to student lets or abandoned to the homeless. Looking at them you could not tell one from the other.

Now whatever subjects they are teaching at this elite University, I can absolutely assure you that none of them require any knowledge of cleaning dishes, clothes or windows. The sights we saw!

IMG_1500

Student motto inside public loo. 

There’s a stark contrast when you get into the city though, the male students are wandering about in dark suits, shirts and ties and sporting roses in their lapels. This is a tradition, we were told. Students on their final exams wear suits and display a different coloured flower depending on what stage they are at.

At first I thought the females students had to wear dangerously low cut dresses and skirts so short you could carry out a cervical exam just by bending down to tie your shoelace. But it seems these young ladies were just the guys’ hookups. The female students were similarly business-attired, they just didn’t parade around the town with underage girls in tow.

Dinner on the first night was at Byron Burger which is far better in England than in Scotland because they are permitted to cook their burgers pink. In Scotland we have to eat them well done because we are NOT English. Yes?

No thanks.

burger

Pink Byron burger.

For lunch next day we went to the Covered Market and ate some very nice flat breads with smoked salmon and cream cheese.

flatb

Next we visited the Bodleian Library in Oxford because a) it is a very old library full of culture and stuff, b) it let us have a look inside the University and – most importantly c) it was where Hermione worked out what Fluffy, the three headed dog, was guarding in the first Harry Potter film.

I cannot show you a picture of this library because we were not allowed to take pictures and the beady-eyed librarian had spotted me and my devious ways the second I entered the room. He never took his eyes off me til I left.

Mad-eyed moody!

This was at the entrance though.

IMG_1492

Very dull statue outside Bodleian Library where the more interesting stuff is….

And this was just inside before the photo ban kicked in…

box

 A box

We then wandered over the street to see an exhibition of J.R.R Tolkien’s drawings of Middle Earth including the original of his dust cover for the Hobbit. This was a real thrill because I am a genuine fan of the books.

The films? Nah.

Tolkien was a student and professor at Oxford and the exhibition gave a great insight into what a true geek he was. The original geek I would call him. He spend his life creating Middle Earth including the construction of Elvish languages and detailing the landscape in very technical mapping terms. A mad genius.

And speaking of made up languages.

There are lots of people who come to Oxford I am certain, from all walks of life. But it is fascinating to discover that, while not required to wash anything ever, they are required to learn a new way of conversing with each other in the pub.

The Oxford language has only three letters – A, F, H and W. It’s most common word is

FWAH.

It is so common that the unlearned ear can only ever make this word out, repeated incessantly – fwah fwah fwah fwah fwah fwah fwah.

There is a strong nasal quality to the accent of course and, if you listen long enough you can make several distinctions.

Sometimes, when laughter is called for, they mix up the letter and there is a burst of – HWAF, WAF, WAF, WA. It quickly settles back to fwah fwah though.

There is only one interrogative pronoun – a wha?

They never miss the ‘a’ in front – it is lengthened slightly and the voice pitch rises a little. You can easily tell a joke is being told by an Oxford Student in a pub. It goes:

Joke teller – A wha fwah fwah fwah fwah?

Audience – A wha?

Joke Teller – Fwah fwah fwah fwah ….

Audience – HWAF, WAF, WAF, WA!!

The HWAF section is usually led by the joke teller him (or herself) and it is louder than anything else in the pub – as a rule.

Like some of the ancient languages there are clearly some words that don’t exist and, very occasionally, you can grab a snippet that makes sense. Common words you might recognise are archaeology, pint of cider and apple mac.

We ate dinner at the White Rabbit (C.S. Lewis was also a student at Oxford). This pub is a student and professor filled backstreet pub with amazing pizza. £25 for the two pizzas, two pints (diet coke) and a side salad!

IMG_1518

Who pulled that out of the hat?

To finish our Oxford day we saw ‘The Final Curtain’ at the local theatre. This is a new Sherlock Holmes story starring Robert Powell who was Jesus of Nazareth if you are of my generation and was in Casualty for the rest of you; and Liza Goddard who was in Give Us a Clue for those of us who saw the eighties, and also in Casualty for everyone else.

It was not very good.

What was fun was that we got to sit after the show and listen to the actors talk rubbish about all their luvvieness and thespian achievements while we sat lapping up all the stardom in front of us. An after-show chat with the stars!

My wife banned me from asking if Liza Goddard thought she or Una Stubbs was the better captain in Give Us A Clue, so I had to try to think of a better one. Also banned was asking Robert Powell if he was up for a sequel to Jesus and I was not permitted to flirt with Liza Goddard (that woman is as enchanting as ever).

There were some crap questions for others so I am not so sure my ideas were so inappropriate. One guy asked the actor who had clearly had ripped off Dr Dawson from Basil  the Great Mouse Detective for his portrayal of Watson if he had used any other actor for inspiration. No, he lied. It was all his own. Like there was never going to be a member of this Oxford audience who had watched the Disney film! Poor gamble – I saw right through him.

And Robert Powell made more mention of his Shakespearean credits than address the huge plot holes in this current offering. ‘What was going on in the last scene?’ someone asked. ‘Ah yes! We mean’t to cut that out. It doesn’t make sense does it?’

Nope! You should have stopped at ‘the game’s afoot!’

Now I finally worked out a great question to ask. It had lots of insight and would have drawn out some interesting takes on the theme of the play, but the interview wifey called a halt to questions just as I was about to overcome my shyness and blurt it out.

I seethed all the way home.

Una Stubbs was clearly better!

 

1

Chinese Puzzles

I am certain you have been anxious to find out if we made it to Liverpool. Did my sheer bloody mindedness, sticking plaster and rusty hose clip see us safely down the M74, M6 and that other road to that Liverpool?

I can certainly say is that staring at a temperature gauge for three hours is a real conversation killer. We didn’t say much other than…

‘How does it look now?’

‘It seems to be fine?’

‘Now?’

‘A bit high.’

‘How is it now?’

‘A tad to the right of the little light in the middle?’

‘What does that mean?’

‘A little hotter than I’d like it to be?’

Short period of silence.

‘How is it now?’

‘It’s down below the little light in the middle.’

‘That’s good then?’

‘I guess.’

‘Do you want some water?’

‘For me or Daisy?’

‘You.’

‘No.’

‘Some fruit pastilles?’

Now it’s not that we normally fill our travelling hours with a riveting discourse on the merits of unilateralism as it relates to foreign aid or on the benefits of stringent rules on international monetary policy, but we do usually have a chat about something other than the position of a vehicle temperature needle.

‘No fruit pastilles for me please. They night spoil my concentration.’

‘Fine.’

So for three hours of tension (like no human has ever had to endure) we pushed on to our campsite in Rainford just outside the land of Scouse.  We had breakfasted on dreadful rations from Harry Ramsden at Abington services and set off just before eight. I had already been through the entire journey in my sleep so it was like a repeat of the whole journey. Daisy arrived water-tight and running like a dream just before eleven.

Phew!

Oh hang on! We still had to get pitched, find the trains, get to Liverpool and find the World Museum before our one thirty slot.

Now Bridge Farm in Rainford is a bit of a campsite-in-development, but at £15 a night its location for accessing Liverpool cannot be surpassed.  The train station is five minutes from the gate (the Bridge in the title being the Railway Bridge over the station) and there is a regular service from Manchester that takes you to Kikby and with one train swap later you are in Liverpool in 40 minutes.

Okay, Okay! Yes we made it to the museum in time for our slot to see the famous Chinese Terracotta Warriors.

IMG_1414

This is no place for tacky selfies!

When I think that the day before we were considering staying in Abington to wait for a professional repair and abandon our day in the city I shudder at the very idea. Daisy is a miracle!

IMG_1393

Confucius say ‘man who values silly van more than wife will have no cake’

And the Chinese Terracotta warriors are another blooming miracle. Nothing I can write here can help you appreciate how these ancient treasures affect you. None of the pictures taken will ever give you a sense of how incredible it is to stand in the presence of something that was crafted over 2000 years ago. It’s a terrific exhibition and I was left at the end wondering how a place like Liverpool could have ever attracted such a display.

Well you just need to spend a sunny afternoon in Liverpool to understand. It’s a fabulous place!

IMG_1447

Now there are those who know me who might be thinking – no way would he criticise the place anyway. There’s a fiery Scouser of some explosive capability he knows who would destroy him with a glance if he was nasty about this place.

Well that’s true.

But I don’t need to lie. Look at me at the Cavern.

Look at the lovely beach …

beach

.. er well maybe not so much,

We had our lunch in the cafe at the museum and that was forgettable. We had an ice cream by the riverside and that was equally forgettable.

What was NOT forgettable was the city and the positivity of the people. I couldn’t understand a word they were saying but they all seemed really upbeat.

IMG_4942

‘Any chance you know how to send a text on this thing?’

Now I like to understand a culture if it speaks to me and I find Liverpool quite fascinating. Like Glasgow the city has strong Northern Irish connections, a ship-building history, an intense football rivalry and a river with more shite in it than fish. There’s a strange kind of pride in the people that is a mystery.

I think I got a flavour of where they are coming from by visiting the Maritime Museum. The exhibition on the Lusitania is very revealing – there is a Glasgow connection here too. A passenger ship built by blood, sweat in tears in Clydeside provided passage to and from the USA from Liverpool and was sunk by a German U-boat in 1915 killing dozens of local people. You get a sense of Liverpool from knowing how there is an underlying bitterness at losing children caught in the crossfire of idiots from the South arguing over who has the biggest …. Uboat.

IMG_1440

Propeller from Lusitania.

But with all that difficult history Liverpool is on the rise. The city is developing, there are really cool parts to it and the people are welcoming, friendly and full of character.

Really full of character!

IMG_1392

Stop horsing around!

Anyway – enough of this philosophical and sentimental tosh. You want to know what I ate.

We ate at the Junction Pub in Rainford which is a pretty decent inn ten minutes from the campsite. I had a steak cooked (by myself) on a slab of granite straight out of their oven. I could only blame myself if the steak was badly done. It was perfectly done.

IMG_6662

My good lady had chicken goujons with the inevitable ‘hand-cut’ chips – as is the new trend. A wee bit of salad on the side and some dressings. Perfectly adequate for £25.  On Monday’s the starters are free so we had some haloumi fries and pate which we mixed and matched.

Today we are heading to Oxford for two nights.

1

She was hot!

No – the Rolling Stones did not play their 1983 single ‘She was hot’ at the Murrayfield concert we attended on Saturday….

…but that’s not where I am going with this title anyway. Nor is it anything to do with this Carry On Camping moment from the showers at one of our first stops.

showers

Oo-er missus! Is this the gents?

The girl who was ‘hot’ on our first weekend was – of course – Daisy.  More of that later.

First of all I have to mention the troublesome traffic in Perth and my utter contempt for the roadworks planning team who have failed to keep up with my summer itinerary and have placed a mile of cones leading up to and beyond the Broxden roundabout. Not only was this very dull – it stopped me accessing the Broxden Farm Carvery at precisely the right time for my lunch. I had ages to wait for food!

But I was cheered up by the cheesecake!

Sadly I have lost the picture I took of it so here is the online version of it

cakes-panel-2

It is flippin’ enormous. It’s a fiver for a slice, near as dammit, but it feeds the family. Or me.

We also had some soup and a rather excellent Yorkshire pudding rolly-up thing that had roast beef and gravy in it.

That was our lunch. We then set off for Edinburgh probably carrying a bit more weight than usual. Daisy was feeling the heat I guess, sitting bored in traffic for ages, not getting to come in for cake, having to carry us after we ate the cake. She’s a van for heaven’s sake – why do we personify her? It’s not like she has feelings! Or does she?

We then took the bus into the city – leaving Daisy to cool off at daughter number two’s flat in Cramond. There was no real plan here, but we decided at the last minute to go to the castle. We have been Historic Scotland members for many years so the £17.50 entry fee did not worry us!

castle

Smug Bastards!

The shower picture at the top of this blog is actually in the cells of the castle where we visited for the first time. It was an eye opener!

eye eye

After our short visit to the castle we made our way to the Rolling Stones at Murrayfield.

Now when we bought out tickets for the Rolling Stones we did so thinking we’d better do it soon before they collapse and die of old age. Mick Jagger is 74 after all. We really thought it was probably a final chance before they are forced into retirement.

Well I can see them going for ten years yet!

Mick Jagger looks like a twenty year old – at least from the distance we were away from the stage.

stones

He strutted about the stage for over two hours, ran up and down that runway and bounced about like an adolescent on speed. The support act, Richard Ashcroft (the Verve) finished his set with ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’! I’m afraid they blooming well must if the Stones are anything to go by.

Now it wasn’t all plain sailing for these senior rockers. There was a shower of rain before they came on and everyone on the crew had to run off to the changing rooms to get every towel in the stadium so they could dry off the stage. I’m guessing they were worried about slips and trips. You’d have thought Ronnie Wood’s hip would have forewarned them about the bad weather but there you are.

There were also a few towellings in between songs, crew members running all over the stage. If I hadn’t seen the earlier rain shower I’d have thought Jagger was prone to a bit of incontinence they way they were wiping up after him.

Anyway, the Rolling Stone were immensely good and I see little chance of them stopping taking the roof off venues for some time to come. The last time I came to Murrayfield was to see Madonna bomb with her MDNA tour. She had the arrogance to think she could fill a stadium and play nothing but new songs. Twit! The Rolling Stones gave us all the right stuff – from Honky Tonk Women to Satisfaction – it was a blast.

chips.jpg

Top class cuisine at the Rolling Stones.

Our food before the gig was the delights on offer from the mobile vendor village (it was situated between the defibrillator village and the zimmer park). The only good thing about this was the fact that I asked for chips only and they thought I wanted cheese on top. I saved £1.50 on that sprinkling of cheddar!

We took the tram back to town and then bussed it to daughter number two’s flat for the night before our long journey south.

Long journey south?

repair

‘F*^&%*&%&G Camper vans*

According to google Abingdon, is a historic market town and civil parish in the ceremonial county of Oxfordshire. There you can see the beautiful Abingdon Abbey, visit the Town Museum and walk for miles along the lovely Thames Path.

Abington in Scotland is a motorway services village just off the M74.

Guess which one we reached?

So Daisy, a little tetchy after we travelled on posh trams, buses and ambled round castles without her, decided to blow her top about three miles short of the lovely little … er …. slip lane to Abington. The temperature was looking a bit high for quite a while and me ignoring it hoping it would go away turned out to be a poor mechanical diagnostic assessment. Out came the AA (this is a repeat of last year isn’t it?) and a short section of rubber pipe popping off appeared to be the culprit.

However, the AA man (lovely and helpful as he was) decided that he could not effect the repair at the roadside and advised the charming nearby village as a suitable stop-over while we waited for the local garage to open in the morning.

But I have tickets for the Chinese Warriors and I want to see Liverpool and I want cake and things!

Abington is not a suitable stop over for any amount of time. The local hotel? Closed. The local campsite? £20 – no wifi unless you buy a coffee at the local cafe – and it closes at five. Other facilities? Nope.

We decided to effect the repair using sheer bloody mindedness and obtained a length of hose that could be cut to size. I wriggled my frame under the chassis of our beloved Daisy and patched her up perfectly (I think).

We ran her to overheating point to check the seal and … she overheated.

No leaks though – she kept the coolant in this time. The damn fan wouldn’t kick in though.

Our dilemma….

Do we abandon our lovely trip into England-shire and get relayed back home and seek a last minute break (don’t worry – you will still be part of that adventure!).

Or do we chance it?

Late update – after some fuse fiddling and switch bypassing – for some odd reason her fan started to kick in. She appears sealed and cooling normally.

I’m on the edge of my seat. What will happen?

Ah yes! Finally. We decided to return from the quaint little village of Abington to the services where we booked into the Days Inn so we could shower, eat something other than tinned soup and prepare for our next push early in the morning. We have a half one appointment with the Chinese Warriors in Liverpool and – with courage, daring, six bottles of water and a spare hose clip – we intend to make a damn good try to get there.

Dinner?

Whatever….

pie

Harry Ramsden at Abingdon … yawn…

 

 

 

4

Driving Miss Daisy Too!

It’s that time again! Two weeks just me, Daisy and that other lady in my life heading on to the road to find adventure, new experiences and lots and lots of cake.

If you are of a mind to join us I will be posting regular updates over the two weeks. Hopefully you might get some travel tips, become jealous of the food I am eating and have the odd laugh.

Daisy is on the charge as we speak, trembling with excitement on the drive outside. She passed her MOT without studying a single day, I have touched up her paint so she looks pretty for all the Mazda Bongos she might come across, and her tank is filled to the brim.

First stop is Edinburgh tomorrow night. The Rolling Stones play Murrayfield and we have our tickets in hand. Then it’s off to Liverpool!

daisy

1

Bath to Cumbria

This will be the last blog of the holiday. We set off for home tomorrow and the story of that long road through Scotland is not one I will be relating on this occasion.

Much of the last few days have been on the road as we make our way back up the country, sadly saying goodbye to Cornwall’s lovely seaside towns and cream scones.

In deciding on stopovers for the way home we chose a campsite near Bath, as we needed one by this time, and Windermere in the Lake District (in case the bath wasn’t big enough).

Our journey to Bath was carefully planned by me the evening before travel.  Hearing that Bath does not welcome vehicles to the city centre I decided that we would use a park and ride somewhere we would be able to escape easily from during the rush hour.  After considering all of the available information the park and ride on the South side of the city offered the best chance of getting in to the city centre for a reasonable amount of time and allowing us to access the road to the campsite without encountering the city jam at rush hour.

With so much planning what could possibly go wrong.

barrier

Yep – my lovely Daisy was a head too tall for the car park.

Of course the two and a half hours of driving in the heat without air conditioning did not have any impact on my reaction to this. I calmly drove down towards Bath to ‘park wherever the $%^&* we can.’

We found a suitable location just a half mile into the city limits just at the side of the road and close to a bus stop. Perfect – we headed into town for the afternoon.

Now Bath is a lovely city, and we only really dipped our toes in (ahem). With more time we could have explored the riverside and the museum. Oh and the shops.

IMG_0661

But we had to be selective with so little time (sorry – shops will have to wait). Being a Roman history nut, I wanted to see the Roman Baths.

The Roman Baths are truly terrific, but only if you are really interested. I was not completely knocked unconscious by the ridiculous £17 per person entry fee but would understand why others might be.  So – yes – £34 for the two of us to visit a leisure centre – 2000 years after it closed down.

IMG_0650

You would be right in assuming that you are not allowed to do this…

It is something quite amazing to see, though. The functioning of the hot water spring is still complete and the bath is fed in the way it was in Roman times.  And the museum they have built around it takes you carefully through the exhibits in a way that helps your understanding. It’s well done.

Now they must have had well over a thousand visitors on the day we were there. That’s £17 K for.  Based on only 200 good days per year that’s over 3 million. Not bad being invaded by the Romans was it?

But they are good at exploiting legacies in England. Not just ancient ones, very recent ones too.

We saw how a family can make a business because their grandfather decided to build a sign at the farthest point in mainland Britain; we saw how a village can be buzzing with tourist activity just because a successful TV series was filmed there, how a pub can make a killing from being written into a famous book.

Exploiting legacies is disturbingly common in England. I’m not sure we Scots are as good at it. They say we are mean?

Now lunch in Bath was street food from a vendor near the bus station. The wait was a bit long and the staff could have doubled their takings for the day if they knew how to cater for numbers. People were put off by the queue. I persevered and we had chilli and chicken wraps with spiced fries. Very nice they were too.

IMG_0629[1]

At the end of the day we returned to Daisy to discover that we were parked nose towards the town in a dual carriageway with no turning point.

So we spent the next hour in Bath’s unwelcoming rush hour traffic. Lovely. Planning is everything.

Our campsite was near Devizes, a canal side location with ‘a charming towpath ideal for walking and cycling along’. What was worrying was the number of canal barges that looked like they housed the West Midlands’ most wanted serial killers. The number of rusted bikes stacked on the top of the barges sent shivers down by spine! The trophies of a psychopathic community of canal prowling murders….?

 

Now I’m sorry if that is offensive to the good people of the canal who live near Devizes – but I can only say what I saw – and felt – the chill down my spine when a toothless hag looked me up and down, licked her lips and said ‘hello there, you’re a plump one dear  – stranger to these parts are you?’ (adopt voice of green-faced witch from Wizard of Oz for effect).

IMG_4150[1]

‘Come, come my pretties! The life on the canal will be full of joy and …. AAAARRRGHHH!!!

We walked a few hundred yards down the canal, saw the blood (or rust) stained bikes stacked high, turned back and ran into our camper van to quiver through the thunder and lightning that (coincidentally) lit up the night sky while we tried to sleep.

In the morning we moved quickly out of the campsite and headed North by half nine.

This was going to be a long and uneventful day.

The hours between Bath and Windermere are considerable. And it’s mostly motorway so ‘Camperaderie’ is very challenging. The other carriageway is just too far to see. Instead we fired up the tunes and tried to determine the best music for hippy camper van types to drive by.

So we went through the Carpenter’s Collection. Not bad – sixties and seventies hippy stuff. Middle of the road (chortle) and we could sway from side to side in perfect unison while merrily making our way.  But it’s a bit tame for my wife and I. We were of the punk era, we moved into New Romantic and Europop during the eighties.  We grew with U2, the Clash and the Smiths backtracking out formative years.

On our USB stick we found Coldplay. Not a big fan but they are quite traditional as a rock band, fairly meaty guitar stuff and plenty whining vocals from ’that guy that married the famous actress.’

Nah! It gets on my nerves.

Next up …

‘Ground control to major Tom …. Ground control to major Tom ….’

It turns out David Bowie is the perfect hippy mix for hours of travel in a van called Daisy.

From just north of Bath to the turn off for Kendal Bowie took us all the way. He was getting a bit shit by the time we arrived – ‘Blue Jean? Under Pressure?’ – but the early stuff saw us through.

Kendal is a nice little town and we strolled among the shops and found some junk shops that my wife loves to raid for … well junk I guess. She got some too.

IMG_0668[1]

Nice of them to roll out the banner for us arriving.

Our campsite was just outside Kendal and not really anywhere close to Windermere. Despite this it was called Windermere Campsite – to fool people into thinking it is somewhere close to Lake Windermere.

In fact we had that old classic English mile to contend with in the morning. ‘Yes, it’s four miles to Windermere – so you can probably walk it.’

It’s seven miles to Windermere by the shortest possible walking route. I know because we did walk it this morning.

That said – it was a lovely walk using Dales Way – a public right of way through the Cumbrian countryside.

IMG_0679[1]

A wall and scenery and stuff … on mile six of our four mile walk to Windermere.

Now my wife is a bit nervous of large animals. Big dogs she loves – anything bigger than that she can’t cope with. Dales Way passes through numerous farms and space is often shared with sheep and cows.

She was very brave though, in spite of her significant cycling injuries hampering her movements. At one point I turned to see her with a stick in her hand. Not big enough to use as a walking aid, I asked her what she was doing with it.

‘In case the cows attack.’

Is there a recognised defence against maniacal cows that involves the use of a three foot stick? Not that I am aware of.  I assumed she might consider throwing it as a distraction, perhaps hoping that cows and dogs have some common ancestry that would cause it to chase the stick instead of mauling her to death before eating her carcass.

It turns out she intended to ‘poke at it’ if it made an attempt on her life. I begged her to throw it away in case a cow did chance in her direction and she stabbed the poor thing for doing nothing more than spotting a nice bit of grass near her feet. She kept it though – until the stile took us out of harm’s way.

IMG_0675[1]

WARNING – if you have cows in your family, make them look away. She is armed.

Silly …..

After our long trek we enjoyed lunch at the Cafe Italia in Windermere. I had a chicken and bacon crepe – very nice – and my bovine battering belle had a brie and bacon toastie thing (it was named something posher than that, but that’s what it was).

IMG_0686[1]

That might look crepe! It was very nice.

We then dropped in for a cream tea at a place called Monties and tried an ice cream at ‘The World’s Best Ice Cream’ vendor further down the road. It was all small portions – don’t judge!

In fact the single scoop of ‘world’s best’ ice cream was particularly small. £2? World’s best scam if you ask me. It was nice enough – had better this holiday.

IMG_0693[1]

Here’s some free advertising for you.

Our last adventure was to take a boat trip round the North end of Lake Windermere. For a tenner each this seemed (and was) good value. We sat outside enjoying the sunshine and the bracing air as we gawped jealously at all the big houses people somehow have the money to buy around the water’s edge.

IMG_0699[1].JPG

I just don’t get it. How can so many people afford these big houses? They must cost over a million each. Are there so many multi-millionaires in this country?

Of course there must be.

I wondered which house belonged to the people who charge you to stand beside the Land’s End sign.

Our final meal of the holiday was mediocre by any standards. The campsite has a pub and we decided to try it out. Mine was a medium rare steak and chips, the cow-assassin had a burger. I could see her relishing the moment her teeth sunk into the meat of her quarry.

IMG_4155[1]

Classic 1980s fare for a 1980s couple…

Truthfully –she didn’t finish it. It wasn’t good.

So that is our holiday in Daisy for the year. We may take her out again before winter – perhaps the North 500. Who knows? She has been fantastic – some minor hiccups along the way but definitely a thing of beauty.

I hope you have enjoyed the trip. If you didn’t – I would have written it anyway and will probably do it all again next year.

IMG_4137[1]

Note: No cows were hurt in the making of this blog.

5

Famous Places

Surfing is big in Cornwall.

Now I decided that I would not learn to surf on this holiday as I wanted to dedicate the time to doing other active pursuits – for example eating.

Had I decided to try surfing though, I would have taken care to observe carefully (as I have done from the shore) the habits of the true surfing community.

Some young men (and not so young) appear to have made a few errors by not making such careful observation.  It is clear that a muscular physique is needed but the carefree attitude to displaying it in your underwear is not necessary. It is also not crucial that you remove your wetsuit on the exposed side of the camper van so everyone can see your tanned godliness.  Play fighting with your male buddies whenever a female comes into view does not give you perfect balance on a surf board either.

However it is advantageous to have long, tightly curled hair (blond or jet black) – and a beard can be useful too.

When in the water you should lie on your board for an inordinate amount of time ‘waiting for a good swell’. If you jump too soon and the swell breaks too early you risk looking like an amateur in front of the more experienced surfers (and the women) who will undoubtedly take the very next swell and surf all the way to shore. If you need guidance look for well tanned, muscular men with tightly curled long hair. They are sure to know the right swell to jump on.

In every seaside town in Cornwall there are wetsuits, surf boards and other surf-related items for sale.  It does seem to be a pretty inexpensive activity too, £20 will buy a half-decent wet-suit and a board (play sized) can be obtained for less than a tenner.

The beach is free as long as you do not intend to pass close to any wooden direction signs on the way.

Anyway I am rambling.

Yesterday’s activities took us into Penzance first of all. We were on the lookout for pirates, smugglers and some inexpensive gifts to take back home. Thoughtful but really cheap was the aim.

IMG_0506

A real pirate ship (and gift shop) in Penzance.

Why are pirates from Penzance?  They just AAARHHH!

Now Penzance is a decent sized seaside town with all the usual features of seaside towns such as Bournemouth. Enough said? Yep – we gave it an hour and headed for Bodmin.

Although our destination was not really Bodmin. We were heading for a lovely little fishing port on the North side of the peninsula called Port Isaac. Bodmin was the place Sybil decided we should spend half an hour in looking for the exit.

Sybil has been made largely redundant now that I have grown some confidence in my wife’s navigation ability. I say some confidence; I am not a complete fool.

The final straw came when she took us down a way and I chose to ignore her advice. Upset at my damn cheek she gave me a sharp toned ‘please make a U turn at the next opportunity’ warning while I drove on. She then repeated the warning after a minute, then after 30 seconds, and then almost repeatedly. Each time her flipping, posh, Mrs-almighty-know-it-all, condescending voice became increasingly irritating to the point that I snapped.

‘Turn that bloody thing off. You’re in charge from now on!’

Things improved a good deal from that point on.  My wife is now chief navigator.

After getting out of Bodmin we found Trelawney’s Garden Centre Restaurant and decided that the connection to Harry Potter’s divination teacher could not be missed. Of course there was no connection whatsoever, unless my prediction that we would have a good lunch here counts.

We waited an age to get served our Sunday lunch but it was full on gut-busting stuff when we got it.

IMG_0512

Where does it all go?   ….  ‘no porta potty!’

We had roast beef and as many vegetables, potatoes and Yorkshire puddings as we could fit on our plates – and a cream scone for the sweet department. With tea it was around £25. We left with plenty energy stored.

Port Isaac was on my list because it is the idyllic Portwenn from Doc Martin, the TV series. I love Doc Martin from the bottom of my heart. If you have followed previous blogs you will know I cannot resist romatic comedy and the relationship ups and downs of Martin Elliot and the utterly enchanting Louisa Glasson are pure gold in my sappy, mushy brain. And Portwenn is the third star of the show.

It’s also a twisty, turny and hilly little village.

So we parked Daisy at the top of the village and walked down into the harbour area where most of the action takes place. We took a series of pictures to match the ‘map’ we bought for £1.50 from an enterprising shop keeper (amazing what an A4 sheet of paper, a nice drawing and a inkjet printer can produce when there’s tourist about).

We walked up and down the street listening to the mocking laughter of teenage girls just like the Doc and we stepped into Mrs Tishell’s pharmacy to buy … eh … some fudge.

Well of course it’s not real is it!

IMG_0554

Waiting to see the Doc – slight bout of indigestion.

Port Isaac is a lovely place even without the Doc Martin connection. In the cove we explored caves, watched children fishing for crabs and enjoyed the salty sea air filling our lungs. It WAS idyllic. I could have stayed my two weeks here.

IMG_0583

View from my cave.

But that would not give me enough material for this blog would it?

So we pushed on to our campsite near Bude to get some rest for our final day in Cornwall.

This morning we got up and grabbed some flakes. We had a busy day ahead with two more locations we had decided to visit.

If you are aware of Daphne Du Maurier you will know she is famous for books set in Cornwall. She wrote The Birds which Hitchcock made into a film, and My Cousin Rachel which was recently made into a film with Rachel Weiss.

She also wrote a tale of smugglers called Jamaica Inn based at a famous Bodmin stopover. This book  was also made into a film (at least twice). My wife loves these sort of of stories – female meets man she hates at first, then sees his gentler side, she changes him and they love in love. Yeah, yeah. Mush. Doc Martin it ain’t.

But I am a patient fellow and not insensitive to the need of a woman to think a man can be better than he really is. So I go along with it.

Well I am glad I did really. The museum of smuggling was quite interesting for a start (and only £2.95 with our magazine discount voucher) and the inn is a very pleasant olde worlde set up. But, more importantly, the lunch was humongous!

IMG_0606

Now I set out to eat sensibly today as I was feeling a bit flat with all the rich food. If I die on this holiday the pathologist will discover clotted cream bubbling out of me when he splits me open. But when I saw the food I had to go for it.

Again we had the ‘eat all the veg you want’ offer – and did. It was reasonably priced too, hot and tasty. Proper pub grub.

Sadly this mean’t that we were destroyed for the rest of the day, and that was  a regret for what came next.

We drove our  Daisy to Wadebridge, a town on the Camel River, and an entry point for the lengthy Camel Trail cycle path.  Wadebridge is very cycle friendly and very car unfriendly. It has sleeping policemen every hundred metres (Daisy goes ‘bounce’ every hundred metres, Porta-potty goes ‘sloosh’ every humdred and one metres – ‘porta potty no like sleepy police people’)

The Camel Trail is a cycle path (disused railway again) that runs from Bodmin to Padstow on the coast, via Wadebridge. We wanted to visit Padstow but felt that 6 miles out and 6 miles back would be enough for the day – hence our starting point at Wadebridge.

The cycle was not uneventful (but some stories I will leave for my wife to tell herself). On arrival in Padstow we remembered that this was Rick Stein country. He has a restaurant on every street corner. In fact the place is a seafood, ice cream, and cake paradise!

Still burping from the feast at Jamaica inn I ordered a single haddock in Rick’s special batter just so I could say on this blog that I had eaten in his restaurant (well chip shop).  That’s dedication for you.

IMG_0621

Posh fried fish from Rick Stein – parsley!

But that was me definitely full. I was oozing food from every pore.

Padstow wouldn’t let up though. The smell of cooking fudge followed us down one street, then it was seafood stalls on the front, then tea rooms beckoning us in with sponges the size of pouffe cushions. We were going insane.

We escaped with our lives – and a small tub of whipped ice cream of course.

IMG_0626

Ignore the scraped wrist – it will just encourage her….

We returned to Wadebridge and bounced  and slooshed our way out of town (my stomach did both). Back to our campsite we headed.

The evening meal will be meagre. The tins will be coming out again I’m afraid – if anything.

IMG_0624

We tried – we wanted to – we just couldn’t …

Being a sad computer geek I put together the whole tour of Potwenn from my guide here…

https://alastairgarrow.000webhostapp.com/portwenn.html

1

Land’s End

We set off for Cornwall without any breakfast. We had run out of flakes and milk and decided that we should treat ourselves to a traditional English breakfast.

Where better to go for such a treat than a quality establishment with fine oak tables.

 

 

 

Architecture that is sympathetic to the natural surroundings.

That’s cheap.

Yes, we ate breakfast at Morrisons.

IMG_0434

Morrisons low cholesterol vegetarian option (out of shot).

 

Our next stop was to be Truro and we had a game of Camperaderie on the way to while away ths hours. We got this one badly wrong.

Truro is a pleasant, small city with more or less the same shops as you get in any comparable town. It has some quirky, local stuff going on and a lovely Cathedral which is free to enter (always a bonus) – and it’s interesting to boot. It is actually a Victorian building despite the very classic style of architecture. You would assume it had been there for centuries.

IMG_0438

A poor man’s Buckfast if you ask me…

One thing I found particularly interesting was the lack of thumbprint access to the side rooms. It seems the abbey at Buckfast has more secrets to keep – or more money to spend.

Anyway, also of a Victorian era is the wonderful tearoom called Victoria’s Tea Room (what an excellent name for a Victorian tea room!). The nice thing about this place (it is award winning by the way) is that the waiting staff dress in the style of the Victorians, that they serve excellent tea in proper china cups, and that their cakes are the size of Dartmoor

IMG_0440

Lemon Meringue Death

After our feast we departed Truro for Sennen Cove on the South West Coast, just a few miles from Land’s End. We took a stop at a camping superstore in Redruth and then got lost in the maze of Cornwall’s B roads trying to find a way back to the main route.

When we got to the campsite we were given an excellent welcome and directed to the coastal path that is ‘just 300 yards from the campsite’ (where have we heard that before?).

Now at this point I should say something of Cornwall’s road network. In fact this probably goes for England generally.

The A-roads are pretty good and drivers are generally well behaved. Some A-roads do end up in the town and villages though in which case they can become quite twisty-turny and extremely hilly. They are often twisty-turny and hilly all at the same time.

The B-roads are all twisty-turny and hilly at the same time. At this time of year they are just as busy as the A-roads.

Now when a local tells you in Cornwall that you can walk down a quiet country lane this generally means you can take your life in your hands and share a narrow path with open top buses, tractors, camper vans, local delivery drivers (particularly dangerous) and frustrated locals who know the corners like the back of their hands (they don’t know what’s round the corners but that is by the by).

And 300 yards of English road is roughly about a mile.

We went to explore the coastal path in the evening and discovered it about two miles away. We arrived at a neighbouring campsite a little dishevelled from all the leaping into the hedgerows. This campsite, it turns out, has the access path to the coastal route and you need to pass through it to get there. It also has better washing and toilet facilities, larger camping spaces, late evening shopping and a restaurant. We should have camped there.

We stopped and ate dinner there.

Diverted by food we decided to do the coastal path to Land’s End (about 4 kilometres apparently) the next morning.

After a comfortable sleep in Daisy we got up sharp to walk to Land’s End from our campsite. The plan was then to get the open-top bus to St Ives and return to campsite late afternoon.

Now the coastal path is absolutely stunning. It takes you through the most beautiful, rugged coastline, looking down on wonderful beaches and into the little town of Sennen Cove. It then rises up and over the hill to Land’s End.

 

 

 

But it is not about 4 kilometres. It’s about 4 miles.

And it is ‘rugged’ coastline – properly rugged coastline.

So it was delightful, but it was four hard miles of delightful.

What was NOT delightful was the revelation at Land’s End.

Now we were told it was a bit commercial these days.  But we were not told (and have never at any time had been given any hint or suggestions) that it cost a tenner to stand beside the Land’s End sign!

It’s a family business! A ‘been in the family for generations’ type family business. They are proud of it!

IMG_0465

It’s so quaint and traditional … generations of one family scamming money from tourists.

So in order to get your picture taken beside the Land’s End sign you have to first get there. A lot of people walk, cycle, drive, crawl, wheel their chairs or do some other amazing feat of endurance all the way from John O’Groats to get there. Hopefully they don’t have support vehicles because it costs £4 to park them there. They then have to line up a few yards from the finishing post waiting for the photographer from the family run business to position them by the privately owned sign and take their picture. Oh, and pay £9.95 for the basic package.

Now, as you know, I don’t pay to walk on piers so I certainly don’t pay to stand beside signs.

I walked round behind it and (inside my head) screamed ‘nah, nah, nah, nah, nah – I’m further South than your sign!’

IMG_0469

As close as you can get without chucking away a tenner. I may be breaching copyright here.

We had an ice cream at the First and Last House which was excellent. All the Cornish ice cream has been amazing. We then did a little bit of shopping which included the purchase of my first ever pair of flip-flops. These are required, my lady wife tells me, to prevent nasty campsite shower room diseases getting at my toes.

IMG_0497

Over-commercialised? What do they mean?

Thereafter we boarded the bus to St Ives.

Naturally the ‘when I was going to St Ives I met a man with seven wives’ poemy thing went through my head as we boarded and (would you believe it) we DID meet a man who must have seven wives.

He was so grumpy!

The bus driver.

In fact let’s face it. All bus drivers are the same aren’t they? They are always confused at anyone who doesn’t know exactly what they are required to pay for their trip, they don’t give advice and they don’t give change. And they don’t ever do any of it with a smile.

The bus drivers of South Cornwall, however, have a perfectly reasonable excuse for this manner. The roads are turny-twisty and hilly at the same time, and they have to stop and start every few yards to let tourists by. Our driver had to reverse his bus into lanes I would never drive forward into. It was a roller coaster ride I would have paid twice the fare for (if I liked high adrenaline roller coasters).

We were lucky enough to get the front seats at the top of the bus so we had the full effect of the madness. It was also a rather disconcerting vantage point for seeing inside the upper windows of the houses lined either side of the narrow streets. I tried not to look but I have to shout out to the owner of the property on Chapel Road, St Just (the house with the blue beanbag in the first floor flat bay window) – that pile of ironing won’t do itself you know!

Now St Ives is the perfect Cornish town. Great harbour, beaches, quaint shopping areas, twisty-turny and hilly streets, funny street names.

IMG_0472

It also has the terrific ‘Yellow Canary’ bakery where we had lunch.

We had two lovely crusty sandwiches, hot tea and a fruit Cornish pasty with a bucket of clotted cream dumped on it. Best lunch I have had on this holiday.

 

 

My dear lady wife successfully managed to obtain two garments from a little shop in the town. Having the good sense to provide a ‘man seat’ with magazines is an incredibly mature marketing strategy for such a small business. She will go far.

Now we had a slight mishap during the day’s activities that we must put down to the shock of being asked to pay to stand beside a wooden sign. On the bus to St Ives we discovered that my toes were likely to remain under severe threat of infection due to the fact that the flip-flops we bought were not in the bag (dramatic DUM-DUM-DUM music)!

Our dilemma now was that a) we could return to Land’s End to get them and have to walk back by the coastal path (more long, hard delightfulness), or b) we could forget the £4 we paid and just let it go.

Yes, you guessed it.

So we took the roller coaster back to Land’s End (it all seemed so familiar) and steeled ourselves for the long walk along  Cornwall’s rugged coastline.  We mused a little that, with it being that bit later in the day, maybe the family business was closed and we could sneak our picture beside the sign.

After a short scare (the shop had closed but the lady was still doing her accounts in the office) we obtained my toe-saving footwear and strolled round to the Land’s End sign.

The cursed family business was still operating.  Milking every last visitor.

We noted that they had their cast iron sign cover with 24 digit combination ready for closing time and a van load of Dobermans snarling and barking ready for patrolling the six metre perimeter fence. This put us off waiting the remaining hour until they left for the day and set off for the campsite laden with additional shopping.

By the time we got in our feet were in complete tatters. We completed around 14 miles today (mostly rugged coastline). It was delightful, beautiful, stunning even. It truly is a lovely place.

But I needed a hot shower.

And praise the Lord – I had my flip-flops to protect me.